Things TimmyQ Says

I just had a great idea. Mittens and Jimmy Carter, Jr. both tried really, really hard to be President this year. Let’s let them both win. It would make a great TV sitcom. 

Think of all the power struggles that would end with them jovially horsing around and putting down a few cold ones together. 

The practical jokes they could pull on each other, like trying to sneak /their/ favorite chair behind the desk in the Oval Office, Mittens putting mouse traps in only the drawers on the left side of the desk, or JCJ putting the presidential veto stamp in Jello. 

The Halloween episode where JCJ hears a strange noise in that one room of the White House no one ever goes in and he and Mittens prowl around the building with hilarious misadventures, ultimately nervously deciding it was just their imaginations right before they see the ghosts of horses and bayonettes and binders full of women come charging down the hall.

We’ll call it POTUSES.

One of my favorite English idioms is “the proof is in the pudding”.

I am forced to imagine a homicide trial where the lead prosecutor is about to present a key piece of evidence. He pulls out a seemingly mundane bowl and says to the judge “I would like to enter into evidence … the murder weapon!”. And the gallery gasps in surprise as he pulls a 38-caliber handgun out of the bowl, sopped and dri

pping in banana pudding. He begins to describe how the alleged murderer obtained the weapon and how he fired it, but has to pause to remove a slice of banana that has slipped and wedged its way into the barrel.

Later in the trial, a forensics expert is giving a key piece of testimony.

“You see,” she says, “we took a sample of the gunpowder from the scene, put it in a rather gelatinous solution that was 3 parts tapioca, 2 parts key lime Jello, and were able to scientifically match the gunpowder to the weapon in question.”

Elsewhere, a scientist is shocked to find the Higgs-Boson Particle floating innocently in his evening bowl of Bavarian Cream.

[9/18/12 9:20:20 AM] Brandon: I just found out that one direction covered the song forever young

[9/18/12 9:20:24 AM] Brandon: for some reason I’m incredibly offended by this

[9/18/12 9:20:38 AM] Grunny: I’m generally offended by one direction :P

[9/18/12 9:20:59 AM] Rappy: Just choose the other direction. :p

[9/18/12 9:21:02 AM] TimmyQ really likes One Direction

[9/18/12 9:21:10 AM] TimmyQ’s darkest sekrit revealed.

[9/18/12 9:21:20 AM] Grunny: O_O

[9/18/12 9:21:22 AM] Grunny: :P

[9/18/12 9:21:43 AM] Brandon: This is worse than that leaked Mitt Romney video

[9/18/12 9:21:44 AM] Sarah: oh god

[9/18/12 9:21:47 AM] TimmyQ: Hey now, it’s one of the better mixes of pop and alt rock I’ve heard in a long time.

[9/18/12 9:22:09 AM] Sarah: i dont mind them - but they should not cover that song

[9/18/12 9:22:19 AM] TimmyQ: Okay, that may be true :P

[12:21:44] TimmyQ: Hey now, it’s one of the better mixes of pop and alt rock I’ve heard in a long time.

[9/18/12 9:23:16 AM] TimmyQ: I wasn’t joking guys.

[9/18/12 9:23:23 AM] Sarah: (chuckle)

[9/18/12 9:23:40 AM] Rappy: They must be a NASCAR sponsor.

[9/18/12 9:23:49 AM] Sarah: yea i hear the british love nascar

[9/18/12 9:25:18 AM] Grunny: hearing the word “rock” even remotely associated with one direction makes me cry a little

[9/18/12 9:25:49 AM] Sean: nascar… a bunch of cars all driving the same way. a band called “one direction”. it’s called synergy people.

[9/18/12 9:26:14 AM] Rappy: Sean nailed it.

[9/18/12 9:26:23 AM] Rappy: (*)

[9/18/12 9:26:37 AM] Grunny: (clap)

[9/18/12 9:26:59 AM] Brandon: In that case One Direction should have a spin off band called Left Turn

[9/18/12 9:27:29 AM] Avatar (avatar): “dead end”

[9/18/12 9:28:01 AM] Rappy: “No Right of Way” - oh so many meanings there.

[9/18/12 9:29:10 AM] Grunny: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turn_(band)

[9/18/12 9:29:22 AM] Sarah: haha

[9/18/12 9:29:49 AM] Brandon: I’m pretty sure if you listen really close, you can hear the quiet sounds of Tim weeping in the corner

[9/18/12 9:30:45 AM] Avatar (avatar): :-D

[9/18/12 9:33:06 AM] TimmyQ: I’m a pretty big Irish music fan, maybe I’ll give them a listen ;)

The Democratic National Convention hit a major speed bump late in its first day of speeches and festivities when the party delegates were unable to come up with an acceptable word that started with “E” for the official convention acrostic.

The setting of the acrostic, first introduced to the DNC in 1968 in order to attract the hippie vote, seemed like it would be smooth sailing after members quic

kly voted the adjective that would represent the letter “D” would be the word ‘determined’. 

But it quickly devolved into confusion that not even the most wise liberal arts English professors could solve when they began to look for an adjective that started with “E”. “Energetic” was the word the party picked in 2008, but no one could in good faith vote for that term considering the last four years. Turning back to past acrostics, delegates determined they could not use “effecacious”, “empowered”, “electable”, “enthusiastic”, “excellent”, or “excited”. 

The Party then decided to try and see if they could just make the acrostic “DNC”, thus immediately locking down “compromising” as the word that would be applied to “C”, but again no apt positive adjectives could be located for the letter “N”.

DNC chairman Antonio Villaraigosa addressed the media after the party was unable to finish their task after four deadlocked hours. “I feel discouraged, disheartened, and defeated tonight.” Here he turned back to his fellow party leaders and shouted “Hey guys, actually I think any of those words might make a better ‘D’ than ‘determined’.”

Mr. Villaraigosa said he was still proud of his party for trying.

“I’d give us an ‘E’ for ‘effort’. Damn, too bad that isn’t an adjective.”

Former President George W. Bush, when asked about the acrostic drama late tonight, chuckled and said the Democrats should have followed in his footsteps and simply made up some words for their poetry. He suggested the party use the word ‘edumacational’.

In a turbulent week for the Republican Party, one that has seen Mitt Romney defect and start his ‘Mitt-riol’ bus tour and then new Presidential nominee Hurricane Isaac taken down by scandal when it was revealed he had actually spawned as an air mass over Kenya, a new frontrunner has emerged and given the party a fighting chance this November.

Condoleeza Rice, having only earned a PH.D. in Politic

al Science, written an award winning dissertation on military and political affairs in communist Czechoslovakia, risen to Provost at Stanford University and Senior Fellow at the prestigious Institute for International Studies, served on the boards of successful 1990s businesses Transamerica and Hewlett-Packard, served on the crucial 1997 Federal Advisory Committee on Gender-Integrated Training in the Military, been a musical prodigy on the piano and performed publicly with Yo-Yo Ma and Aretha Franklin, acted on the Emmy-winning television show 30 Rock, and was also incidentally National Security Advisor and then Secretary of State in the Bush Administration, finally became a viable Presidential candidate this morning when she completed a round of golf at Augusta International, America’s most prestigious golf club at which she just so happened to break the gender barrier for membership at earlier this month.

Playing golf is an increasingly important requirement in reaching the highest office in the United States. President George W. Bush played 24 rounds of golf during his presidency and Barack Obama recently completed his 100th round of golf since joining office, numbers so ridiculous even a political satirist couldn’t make them up. 

After teeing up for the first time, Ms. Rice said she understood why golf was so crucial.
“Despite having stared down Communist leaders in the 1990s and terrorist dictactors during the Bush administration, I would have never understood what Theodore Roosevelt meant when he said ‘speak softly and carry a big stick’ until I utilized a 4-wood golf club to crush a small urethane sphere some 120 yards,” Ms. Rice said after her round. “And this morning, trying to read the slope on the putting green to determine if the ball was going to curve slightly to the left or to the right, I suddenly realized how tricky partisan politics are.”

“I’m not really sure what putting a tiny ball in a tiny hole has to do with politics, but clearly a couple more rounds of golf should help me get a firm grasp on all of these political nuances” she added.

Ms. Rice ignored all questions about the role she played in the War in Iraq, a topic that only became harder to ignore as she kept getting her ball stuck in the sand traps.

Ms. Rice left the front course to cheers from her supporters of “Nine More Holes”, a cheer that only confused her because she didn’t realize a full round of golf involved eighteen holes and there was still the back nine to go.

In a stunning turn of events this evening, the Republican National Convention, realizing that no one actually wanted to vote for Mitt Romney (they had just assumed the other delegates would do it) instead made a last-minute turn of direction and has nominated Hurricane Isaac to be President. 

Mr. Isaac, having literally blown away the delegates Monday with his power, vision, and ability to make his constituents more destitute, downtrodden, and homeless than any Republican could dream of these last four years, made a powerful acceptance speech one delegate proudly boasted was “loud and full of gusty air. Top that, Joe Biden”.

Mr. Romney took to the floor, vowing revenge upon the party. Angrily shaking his fists and yelling at the top of his lungs, Mr. Romney made some very specific threats to the delegates, but no one is actually sure what they were because they had all fallen asleep the moment Mr. Romney took the platform.

Mr. Isaac said he hopes his running mate forms sometime in early September, but promised he would make sure he picked a humble storm that would remain in the “tropical storm” category to avoid future power struggles. 

Mr. Isaac will be making his first appearance as the Republican nominee this evening sometime between 8:00 and 10:00 PM in New Orleans.

Life is a highway. I want to ride it all nght long. But then sometimes I get carsick.

Fun fact, whenever I hear “flame war” I imagine two prairie dogs blasting each other with flamethrowers trying to burn each other’s molehill down.